Military Humor

[[FRL]Myke]

Well needless to say, in the panic, the insurgents drive right back into
their own IED. The car explodes killing every insurgent in the vehicle.

Although the story was quite amusing, IMHO real deads shouldn't be in a thread named "Military humour". Even when those people should be awarded with the Darwin Award for sure.

[Tonci87]

If someone is stupid enough to be nominated for the darwin award, then he belongs in this Thread for sure

[Frostburg]

Here's a humorous little tid-bit. Not really a story,
but just something that I remember about my time in Ramadi, Iraq.

During most of the deployment we were mostly conducting
combat operations. The usual infantry stuff, foot reconnaissance/combat patrols, movement to contact, raids, and building searches etc..

However, towards the end of the deployment once we realized that
the enemy presence had greatly diminished, they switched
my job and a few other Marines in my unit to training Iraqi forces in basic weapons handling, offensive and defensive maneuvering, post watching protocols, etc .. really basic stuff.

Well, many times, when you are with Iraqi personnel, many of them
constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY ask everyone in your team the
same questions over and OVER again the following questions.

"Mista, you have Madame?" Which means "Do you have a woman?"

Then whether or not you respond in the affirmative or negative, they then
ask you, "Mista, you fiki fiki Madame"?

Which is the stupid question of "Do you have sex with your woman?"

And they all will ask you this 10 times a day.

So one day some some Iraqi soldier asks my buddy the same question, "You fiki fiki Madame?"

Well he is finally fed up with these inane questions so he responds,
"No, I fiki fiki dog."

Well the Iraqi dude, looks stunned with horror, and responds, "Ohhh, no
Mista, no. Mozien Mista, MOZIEN!!" (Mozien means "Not Good.")

After that not only did the Iraqi personnel stop asking us that,
they pretty much stopped talking to us completely, except for
the purpose of training and conducting normal business.

[PELHAM]

It isn't peculiar to Iraq....
An indian fisherman in southern Chile who we hired to boat us between islands was obsessed with fiki fiki too. Mostly how much fiki fiki we got and he was most anxious that that we refrained from any fiki fiki with his sister. (It's taken very seriously, someone was killed for it while we were there!)

His sister weighed about 250lbs and looked more manly than he did so what he was worried about I dunno? We were more worried about it than he was because every time his back was turned she did nothing but attempt fiki fiki with the unusual local custom of making loud kissing noises while peeking at you from the alley way at the back of his shack.

It became customary for us not to leave anyone in the group alone at any time!

[Frostburg]

Yeah, I know fiki fiki is used all over the world.

But I first heard it in Iraq.

Honestly, every time I think of that story in Iraq it cracks me up.

Sorry.

[Hellfire257]

Great stories Frostburg, thanks for sharing.

[Katzee]

Rules of the Air

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.



***Actual Air Force Maintenance Complaints***

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "Cockpit filthy...not fit for pigs"
Solution: "Cockpit now fit for pigs"

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

[HyperU2]

[Smurf]

That was.... unexpected.

roflmao

[CameronMcDonald]

Hahahahaha!