Military Humor

[scout]

how i lost one of my lives:

after couple of weeks of basic training the rookies are out to master the art of throwing a granade.
after couple of hours of training with duds my sarge came and said "the guys are ready as they can be but for f*ucks sake, watch your ass"
i should've paid more attention
anyway, my sarge was in a prep station where he hands the guys a live frag and a dud.
first i was nervous ( u cant imagine what stupid things rookies do) but i got the hang of it soon and started enjoying the stuff.
that when i got slapped.
a guy approached me.
i made sure he remembers how to throw the granade and not piss in his pants instead.
"are u ready?"
"yessir"
"take out your dud first" *pause* "no, not the live one, the DUD!"
*pause*
"u see the target there?"
"yessir"
"throw the dud at it"
and off it went. he did pretty well, so i relaxed. a bit and said:
"are u ready for the live?"
"yessir"
"ok go ahead, throw it at the target, remember top handle the granade out of the sheleter ok?"
"yessir"
"go ahead"
the guy started to shake like a leaf that minute so i thought to cancle the whole thing, but then i noticed that he was operating the granade IN the shelter and that the pin was OUT.
"get your hand outa the shelter ok?"
and he threw it. i mean, he meant to but somehow it slipped between MY legs.
CR*P!
i caught the guy and hurled both of us outside the shelter.
waiting for the blast i heard:
"sir, should i throw it again?"
i looked puzzled at the guy and saw him hold the grande in his hand............
he picked it up just as i hurled us outside........
luckily it was a dud.........
i lost another life....

[Eza]

jeezuz that guy was stupid........

[scout]

here's another one:
my cousin was an HAPC driver.
in one EX. he was driving his squad to their objective and while driving downhill he entered a huge column of smoke,
as he exits the smoke he sees, not 100 meters away the jeep of the regiment commander in front of him.
now he was going down hill at 90 kph so u cant stop or turn cause ull flip. all he could do is honk the horn and hope for the best.
the regiment commander looked at them and his face went "what the f.....?"
and off they went the jeep fled and the APC chased him.
and just as my cousin regained control, the jeep hust flipped upside-down.
the HAPC stopped a mere 5 meters from the jeep.
the regiment commander lost one of HIS lives.

[scout]

here is another one:
i was in a live battalion EX. as a recon instructor,
while minding my own buisness i saw 3 tanks taking position 50 meters near me.
then i saw a jeep coming behind one of them and park, RIGHT behind it.
"dumbass" i thought.
then 2 guys got outa the jeep and advanced to the front of the tank and threw a yellow granade (NBC attack) near the tank.
the tank did whats he needs to: back down the hill and rig the tank.
he did just that.........on the jeep.
when he finally understood that somethings wrong, the jeep had turned to 30 cm high pile of rubble.
one of the guys went back to retrieve his M-16, or at least it was until it got some funny shape

The recent questions about officers in another thread reminded me of a dialog between one of the guys in our platoon (a private) and our lieutenant:

l: You are relieved.
p: Yes captain!
l: No - thank you for the promotion but I am a lieutenant.
p: Yes captain!
l: Nooo - Say Lieutenant five times!
p: Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Lieutenant.
l: Was that really five times?
p: Yes captain!

[scout]

LMAO.............. *** ***

thats a good one.

here is another story about how i lost another life.

a mortar training.
the guys are starting to train for the first time in using different weapons.
after i finished a class about a LMG i walked to where my Sgt.-Mjr was stationed, and , as usual he gave me a totured look:
"why, do i always end up with all the screw-ups?"
i grinned and shaked my head with sympathy.
" hey man, thats why we keep sending 'em to you"

the man sighed and said:
"oh well, u wanna come to see them kill themselves?"
"sure"
(at this stage i must say that this man is a goddamn prophet)

well, off we went to a hill nearby with 3 mortar teams.
they would shoot some smoke, lumin, and HE
any way the first team came forward
after checking and re-checking my Sgt. gave permission to fire.
so no.2 shouted:
"target, 250 m. 12 o'clock, HE!"
no.2 slids the shell into the tube
no.2:
"fire when ready!"
so no.1 streches his hend to the firing dial, and while pulling it he.....land on his but and the shell fires STRAIGHT UP!

after fraction of a second i and my sarge grab the two shocked troops and fly into a ditch, only to have ourselves cover with the most devilish thorns.
a second afterwards the shell explodes 5 meters from us and showers us with dirt.
so i say:
"man, i thought u said they only try to commit suicide not to kill us in the process"
so he answers:
"well, till now they only had bullets, now u give em mortars."
boy, these troops got "personal" care from my sarge that night but i got smirked at for couple of months.

[scout]

they just keep popping up!

any way, one night i was training a squad of mine,on the art of night fighting and finally considered to throw some CS on them as a "good night" present.
any way, as i was giving the warning of Chem attack, i spotted on my NVG a camoflaged position not 80 meters away.
naturally i thought that it was other squad of mine, and i intended to kick their ass for this sorry form of a cam. position.
so i called my sarge. maj. and told him to come with me and that we're gonna throw some CS on them to stir them up a bit.
so, while the other squad, with their faces showing clearly relief, started digging foxholes, me and my sarge started crawling all the way.
after some very long time, we finally reached the position and we threw on them 3 CS granades.
as expected we saw figures jump out (pretty quickly i must say), and heard the usual coughing spitting and retching, and cursing altought the curses were in hebrew......but in english:
"who of you pulled this prank? goddamn it"
"hey sarge, if we would do it would we stay here?"
"goddman! i swear ill rip the heart of the guy who done that"
and so on........
by then i was on the floor twisting and trying notto burst in laughter al the while my sarge was doin the same not 3 m. away.
finally i couldnt stand it and just started roaring with laughter.
they obviously heard:
"hey u SOB come here, u $#^#$^#&#! u!#%$^#&^ i'll %^$%& you!"
so we approached them and recognized us.
after exchanging some words i apologized and saidi didnt know they were in the area and thought it wasone of my squads.
so the US sarge says:"now i want u to give us a new camo-net. this one stinks with CS"
"okay, but how about adding two MRE's with it?"
the end of it he got himself a net, anyway it used to be a net sometime..........

LOL, nothing beats keeping up good international relations

[scout]

ok here is another one:

as a recon instructor i had the un-enviable to be the safety officer of recon companies in regiment's EX's.
now, to watch a recon company is like to watch over 100 2 year old babies loose in Hyde park, while playing with druggies needles.
anyway, here i was, stressing the men "not to cross that line ok? south of this line there is a full tank battalion training with the aid of artillery. OK? DON'T CROSS IT!"
the reservists, like always, looked at me with a fond expression and off they went.
after two days of EX. i get a call over the radio that "5B has a minor problem" and "could u come please"
well, after half an hour drive i come to these folks and i park near their jeep. well, after a close look i see that it has way too much HOLES in it then it should be.
"what happened?"
"we ran out of fuel"
"NO, not this, how' all the holes came to be?"
"oh, THAT? never mind that, dont u worry!" the sarge there said, clapping on my back
"what did u do?" i demanded
"well, I KNOW u said that we shouldnt cross the line, but it was such a GOOD position, so we decided to go there"
"you did WHAT??"
"well, soon afterwards they started shelling the hill, so we had to take a hike, apperantly we got hit by some frags and our fuel tank got punctured" he said, smiling broadly
"apperantly, this goddamn jeep is better to use for pasta then driving! when did this happened?"
"oh, 8 hours ago..."
"WHY THE HELL DIDNT U TELL ME?"
"oh, we didnt wanted to worry you............"

[DarkLight]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (denoir @ April 08 2002,02:12)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">The recent questions about officers in another thread reminded me of ***a dialog between one of the guys in our platoon (a private) and our lieutenant:

l: You are relieved.
p: Yes captain&#33;
l: No - ***thank you for the promotion but I am a lieutenant.
p: Yes captain&#33;
l: Nooo - Say Lieutenant five times&#33;
p: Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Lieutenant.
l: Was that really five times?
p: Yes captain&#33;[/QUOTE]<span id='postcolor'>
Ummm i&#39;m not trying to spoil the fun buuuuuuut.... what&#39;s the funny part?